A Letter To The Mayor From A Friend

A little twisted humor

Dear Mayor,

I live in Fort Wayne and maybe you can help me out. I am an illegal alien and I don't work. No, I don't need a job because I live in free housing, get food stamps, and free medical care. So things are pretty good! What I want you to look into is passing some new laws so the decay of this great city does not continue. If you do not address these issues there is no sense in my family to come here.

Friends tell me that you are the one that got a law passed that people could not smoke in bars. That was a great law, as I cannot afford to smoke and having to go into those places really sucks. See, I can only afford to sell off so many food stamps for beer and smokes. The smoking in the bars was killing me! I mean, it just caused me to want to buy some smokes. It is either beer or smokes! Since I have been in this great country, I have never seen officials stand up to help the people out. You are the man!

You should be complimented for getting rid of signs that clutter the streets. It sure cleans things up. The low level maggots who try to run for some elected office are done. I agree, if they cannot afford the $5,000 or more for radio or television ads then they should not be running. If you don't have bunches of money, then you can't serve the people. You are the man!

Those signs where a nightmare for me. I mean staggering down the sidewalk and clipping one of those nasty signs could hurt a person. Besides, if I wan to lay down in the rightaway I don't have to worry about some sign being in "my space." You are the man!

I did hear if a person had a few bucks they could contact the owners of the "bus huts" and put a campaign sign there. You devil! The city gets a percentage of the income and you can control who can post signs. Wow, back in my homeland we don't have people as smart as you! Your are the man!

Speaking of my homeland, it is nice to see how you deal with crime and those dangerous signs. Much like our police, your police can grab the signs and the city will destroy them without telling anyone. That should save you bunches of money. You are the man for thinking about the little person!

I know your time in office is short, but the way you get things done I am sure you can tend to some of my needs. You can pick which one you can get completed and the rest will have to wait for the next great leader.

The first one are lights! I mean, when I walk the streets these bright lights distract me from using the clutter free sidewalks. They shine into my eyes and I often walk off the edge of the sidewalk. The flashing lights scare me and may cause a heart attack. So I would guess you would consider this a life or death matter. I think you should have outlawed them before the signs, but you are the man!

I'm guessing families in those fine S-U-Vs nearly get into car wrecks all the time when they come up on these lights. I just wonder how those big semi trucks, driven by my fellow bro's avoid being in deadly wrecks? This lighting is so out of control!

You can find these lights all over the city but the place I think they are the worst is in residential areas. I mean part of the year you never see them and then all of sudden they are there for weeks or months. Sometimes mixed in with the lights are outlines of humans and animals. I just do not understand but I think you call them CHRISTMAS LIGHTS! I am sure you can figure out how to get them removed because you are the man!

Being without a car gives me a chance to take my time in getting the best view of the city. Well, my second need is to take care of problem that can cause great harm to a person. I mean getting a broken leg could be the least of a person's worries.

If you cannot outlaw them maybe you can require them to have a licence, so the police can give them a ticket. That way, when the police are on the lookout for the sign maggots, they could be looking for these contraptions. I think you call them "BIG WHEELS!" Knowing you are the man this should not be hard to get done!

The next problem is one I am not sure how you fix but I am sure you can fix it. I often find myself walking by a big office building and when the lunch hour comes it is a nightmare. These people come rushing our of the building and rush past me in a hurry to get to the nearby toco stand. They go flying by me on the left and the right. You talk about getting injured, it is sure to happen. No, Mr. Mayor I don't want a speed limit for walking as I am smart enough to know that would be stupid. See my problem is all the women with the short skirts. They distract me, and I could fall and hurt myself. These women are wearing these skirts and dresses on purpose. They are risking my health! I am sure you understand and will have a law passed to protect me. You are the man!

Mr Mayor, I will stop here but I want to share some great news with you. I got a job. Yep, I went an applied at this new ballpark that they are opening here in town. I interviewed and was hired on the spot. My new boss is a great guy!

The new boss told me on the first day that I was doing a good job. He even said I was saving him bunches of money. Having just started, I could not understand how I could be saving him so much money. So I asked him to tell me how? He told me something about having to pay someone $12.00 an hour but I only cost him $8.00. He said because I worked for $8.00 hour he could pay me in cash. I would not have to go to the bank or mess around with something you call taxes. I could not believe it when he said I could still get my free housing, food stamps, and free health care. What more could a person ask for?

Mr. Mayor, America is a great place. I am going to write my five brothers and tell them they have to come here no matter what. This a great city to live in. See, in my country they pretty much don't care what you do but here in America they tell me exactly how to do everything!

Your friend for life